Onwards and upwards

I’m struggling to find any motivation today; in fact I have been this way for the last week or so.  I’ve had a busy couple of weeks and have found myself back on the treadmill that is sometimes my life and I need to find my way off it.  It seems like every weekend of late, and every upcoming weekend for the next few weeks is filled with activities, which leaves me little time for relaxation.  That said, Saturday just gone I had a rare day where I didn’t have to leave the house, I pottered around and did nothing.  Well, when I say I did nothing, I changed the bedding and did 4 or 5 loads of washing, plus I trained, but that’s a quiet day for me.  Just having the opportunity to stay home all day and bum around in my joggers was bliss.  I nearly never trained, I talked myself out of it at one point, but I’m so glad that I did.  I had a great session, taking my personal best max out time from 10.20 to almost 25 minutes.  I’d also had a Chinese meal the night before for a friends birthday and I was feeling bloated and yucky so I felt like I sweated it out of my system.

I’ve had a couple of stressful episodes as well over the last couple of weeks, one in particular, which left me literally drained of all energy.  For a good few days afterwards, I felt so tired and drained and I didn’t have an ounce of energy in my legs to train.  In the past I may have forced myself to exercise but I didn’t, I gave my body and mind the time to heal, nourishing myself with good food and meditation instead.  I was able to process the situation in a healthy way, forgive myself for my own wrong doing and move past it without blame or judgement.  It was a good lesson for me and I was pleased with the progress I have shown in dealing with it.  I did knock me out though, in fact I still don’t feel completely back to normal.  This hasn’t been helped by the fact that my little angel has been poorly and I’ve had a few sleepless nights with her again.  I seem to have 2 good nights, followed by 5 bad nights.  This is pretty consistent.  I am convinced that if only I could sleep regularly I would feel like a different person.

I have found a stretching type of exercise programme to follow for the next 8 weeks, which I am hoping will help my back ache.  I was hoping to start it this week but so far no go due to my lack of sleep.  Maybe this evening?

I’m also going to the doctors in the next couple of weeks for a bit of a health check, I’m hoping that after this I’ll be able to put some of my health anxieties to bed.

I’ve also had a lot on my mind with regards to an old friend.  The relationship should probably have ended years ago but I have fought to keep it alive.  I’m not sure why, probably my constant need for approval and to be liked.  Truth be told, I’m never very comfortable in this persons company.  I love her and I want for her to like me but she runs so hot and cold and I am not myself around her.  I hate that.  I know it’s time for me to let go and it has been sad.  I have tried and tried but this person has made it pretty clear that she’s not interested, my last message to her went completely unanswered, the ones before that, she answered when she felt like it.  She hasn’t done anything wrong really, people change and move on; she is in a different place in her life and so am I.  We’re not getting anything from the relationship or each other.  I’ve been working hard to process why I’m finding it so hard to let go, it’s been on my mind a lot.

I need to let go of this need for approval and the need to be liked by everybody.  With this in mind, I’ve deleted my FaceBook account again.  I couldn’t figure out why I needed to let my social media friends know what my every move and mood was.  It was hard to delete it, I wanted everybody to know what I was up to and how hard I’m training and all the great things I’m doing.  But I know it’s not right.  I need to live my life in the present, enjoying it for me and not wondering what everybody else is thinking.

There seem to be lessons everywhere at the moment.  I feel like I’m making progress though.  Onwards and upwards.

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