My subconscious kicks me up the ass…

When I finally got to sleep last night (it took a while because I was thinking about this project and random letters and words were swimming around my head trying to form themselves into perfect sentences and paragraphs) I had a dream.  The dream I had is a recurring one, although I don’t have it often, usually when I am becoming complacent and my subconscious decides I need a kick up the ass.

It was about my husband.  Now I’m loathe to talk about my husband, especially so early on, because I want to be completely honest in this blog but I am aware that this honesty could upset and embarrass those close to me.  So I resolve to be honest about my own feelings and try as much as possible to leave others out of it.

In my dream, as always, my husband and I had separated.  I wasn’t doing too badly, although I was upset I knew it was the right thing for us to do.  The dream always takes place at my childhood home and I’m there with my family; this is strange as I have never lived there during the time I have known my husband.  At some point during the dream, I see him with another woman, he is moving on.  She is always the same type (his type), dark hair, tall, slim (like me but without the tall and younger and slimmer).  Then something changes in me and I realise my mistake, I love him and I want to be with him.  I try to phone him from my childhood home but each time I try to dial his number I make a mistake and have to start over.  No matter how many times I try, I cannot reach him.  I am frantic, I feel sick and it is then that I realise that I have taken him for granted.  Usually at this point I wake up , so upset that I have to imagine the rest of the dream where I make sure that we get back together and everything is OK.

Every time I have this dream I resolve the next morning to stop taking my husband for granted.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bad wife, I keep a perfect house, I look after our daughter, I cook for him, I buy him things that I think he might like and I am aware that while I am not at work, he does a great job of providing for us.  However, I am also aware that I can be a nag, hypercritical and if I’m  honest I have tried and tried over the years to change him.  In my defence, nobody wants to me married to an eternal party boy and if I hadn’t “put my foot down” a long time ago, I wonder if he’d have ever stopped his all weekend drinking binges.

But now, I wonder if I am seeking perfection.  As much as I like to think that I am perfect, I know that I am not, so is it fair of me to expect it of him?  We are very different in what we like to do.  I relax by going for a run or meditating; I read fitness magazines and haven’t had a drink in months.  He relaxes by setting the world to rights over a pint of Guinness or a glass (bottle more like) of red wine and eats Chinese food until he cannot move.  For years I tried to talk him in to coming to the gym with me or trying to force him to eat salmon but he’s just not interested (he’s a pie and mash sort of guy).  I have come to realise that it is not fair for me to try to change him.  He is the man I chose all those years ago to be my mate for life and I should be happy with my choice, after all, how bad must he feel that somebody is trying to change him constantly.  These days I try to live by a quote that a friend wrote down for me, it’s by Anne Morrow-Lindbergh (author, aviator and wife of Charles Lindbergh);

“Him that I love, I wish to be free – even from me.”

And I mean, she had reason to moan, her husband disappeared off for months at a time gallivanting around the world.  What does it matter if mine doesn’t close the downstairs toilet door, or doesn’t put his shoes away or doesn’t wipe the work surfaces after he’s made toast (which he eats over the sink!!!) or snores really loudly after that glass (bottle) of red wine?  They’re just little things and I’m sure I annoy him in just as many ways (I can’t see it, but whatever!).

I suppose I should also go easy on myself as well, after all, he’s not perfect either (but I won’t go in to that here, it’s about me isn’t it?).  So what I resolve to do from here it focus on the positives, what we do have in common and not what we don’t.  And I suppose we can’t be doing too bad a job, after fifteen years and a beautiful daughter together, we’re still going strong.


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