I am still so up and down; I’m like a bloody yoyo. I had a good chat with my Dad (a.k.a my mentor) at the weekend and asked him why I still feel so crap most of the time when I am trying so hard to live a healthy life. I feel like I am doing everything right, at least most of the time. My diet has never been better, I am probably an 80% gluten, sugar free vegetarian (maybe even 50% vegan), only allowing myself to deviate occasionally. I exercise 5 days of the week, I meditate twice a day, I try to live a moral life, I working on my inner self. Why do I still feel so crap. Literally I’d say that most days I feel sick or tired or my back or head aches. To a worrier like me, that’s not good, I start to convince myself that I have cancer or some other life altering illness.
My Dad thought that I just needed to change my mindset. If I’m telling myself day in day out that I’m feeling like crap, I am going to feel like crap; I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes sense but it’s easier said than done me thinks. He also said that I’m going through a lot of changes, which is always going to be taxing on the mind and body.
He’s right. Since the new year I have absolutely revolutionised what I eat. I never thought I could eat as healthily as I do now. I’m still not perfect; come the weekend I am overindulging more than I’d like and now that my body is used to being fed healthy nutritious food, when I give it something else (for example. the fresh cream cake my Grandma buys me every Friday) it doesn’t like it and tends to expel it quite quickly (I kid you not, it’s pretty much an instant diarrhoea situation). Before, I was constantly bloated and full of gas but that is rare now, only on those occasions when I overindulge. I’m hoping to reach a place where I won’t feel the need to eat the things that don’t suit me at all, but I’m pleased with how far that I’ve come. Before, it would have been unheard of for me to walk in to a coffee shop and have a hot drink without a piece of cake; now it doesn’t even enter my head. It’s just not something that I do. I always had such a sweet tooth and had to have a sweet treat every single day. I can’t remember the last time that I had chocolate now and although I always have healthy sweet treats on hand (which are delicious I’ll add), I just don’t fancy them. And while I do enjoy my weekly cake, I know it no longer suits me and at some stage it will have to go (I’m building up to telling my Grandma; if she’s not feeding me she’s not happy). Similarly, it doesn’t feel like I have ever eaten meat, I can’t believe it has only been 6 months. I wish I have given it up sooner, although maybe I just wasn’t ready before.
I started my new yoga programme, Piyo, last week. I have always struggled with yoga in the past, too boring, too hard, too long. The only time I managed to stick with it for any length of time was when I was training for a marathon; I knew it was important to have a good stretch after all of the running I was doing. After the marathon, I gave it up immediately. I’m really enjoying my new programme though. The instructor, Chalene Johnson, is really motivational and full of energy, the sessions are not too long, it’s not too hard and I can’t believe how much I ache after each session. It feels like it is what I need at this time in my life, just to slow everything down, stretch my muscles and give my body a break from the high intensity, high impact sessions that I usually do. I think after I’ve completed the 8 weeks, I’ll combine the two, yoga and high intensity as I can’t imagine just doing the yoga forever.
I feel like I am mastering my body; my diet and exercise, but am yet to get a handle on my mind. I think too much, worry about inconsequential things (and people) and am generally a bit unbalanced. I have lots of ideas, which I can obsess about, then a new idea comes into my mind and I move on to that or get confused. I feel like Tigger, bouncing from one idea to the next, not settling on any of them. I need to decide what I want to do with my life going forward; nutrition, therapy, writing, learning a language, and then make the shapes that I need to succeed. This, as always, is the place where I am most stuck. I’m too afraid to commit to anything for fear of making a mistake and wasting my time, but I’m wasting my time anyway by doing nothing. I’m almost 37 and I don’t know what I want to do with my life; no wonder I’m fed up. I feel like I’m getting there, getting closer to everything becoming clear. Maybe all of this discomfort is just here to ready me for whatever is coming my way next. In the mean time, I’ll continue to enjoy my amazing life and try my hardest to chill out and stay balanced.