What the fu*k?

This week has been a nightmare.  Let me put this statement into context; nothing serious has happened, nobody has died or anything like that, but in terms of personal growth it has been a very bad week.

I don’t know whether there was something going on with the moon and mercury was in retrograde AGAIN but I felt like I went bat shit crazy.

It started Tuesday last week with some mild moaning at work; this is not like me because I want everybody there to like me (seriously, they think I’m this mid mannered, always sunny person without a bad word to say about anyone).  I tried to laugh it off but when I went to my car, already late to get Grace from school, to find that I was blocked in, I turned into Anger from Inside Out, all fire shooting from my head and shit.  I’m not the most competent or confident of drivers at the best of times and no joke I was millimetres from ripping the side of my car off.  Hours of manoeuvring later (OK ten minutes), I was out, only to be met with a double parking situation at the car park entrance, where I had to squeeze my 4×4 though a laughable gap (I breathed in with all my might).

That was the start of a week of chaos.  That evening I was walking the dog and all five of the dogs we encountered on the field were behaving erratically, jumping all over each other, tripping us human folk up, running away and eating manure in the middle of the road.  Totally random.  I met my Dad that same night for a walk and he too could feel the effects of whatever shift was happening in the universe.  Our walk was fast and frantic and I thought that by the end of it, I had exorcised any weirdness and that the next day I’d be back to normal.

No so…Nope, I went from bad to worse.  Any spiritual progression that I thought I had made, went out of the window.  I gossiped, I judged, I upset my sister and my mother in law in the same day (heck, in the same hour).  I was angry and snappy; one day I had a full on rant at Grace about the importance of wearing a coat the whole way to school (“it is my job to keep you warm God damn you.”)  I realised how ridiculous I sounded and tried to save the situation by sweetly telling her how much I loved her as she exited the car but to be honest, the damaged had been well and truly done.

I’ve felt so upset with myself all week but just didn’t seem to be able to shake it off.  I hate the thought of upsetting people, that’s not who I am, and I know that hurting others only results in hurting myself.  Thankfully, yesterday seemed to be the end of it; I could see with clarity how out of balance I had been.

I realise I am sounding a little dramatic; after all, I haven’t killed anybody or robbed a bank and actually during all of this, I have still meditated twice daily and wrote and practised yoga every day.  I’ve been very aware that I’ve been acting out of character  and that there will be consequences from my actions and that’s a little bit unnerving..  My behaviour would probably seem pretty normal to most people, after all, don’t we all gossip and judge just a little bit?  And I am only human, can’t I have a few off days where I’m a bit moody and snappy?  I think it’s just that this is not who I am for the most part any more and when I revert back to my old ways, it doesn’t sit well with me.

I take heart in the fact that I recognised it and pulled myself out of it pretty quickly.  And I didn’t go totally to shit; I kept up with my positive habits and read well and listened to educations podcasts; it wasn’t a complete right off.

I realise that these are first world problems and I know and am grateful for the amazing life that I lead; still, I am hoping for a quieter more balanced week this week…please.

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