Have faith in faith…….

I swear, I plan to write on here so much more regularly than I do.  I write in my head all the time, but more often than not I don’t prioritise the time to put it onto actual paper (or the computer…whatever).  I think I need to look in to why, when I want to write for a living, it is the one thing that always goes to the back of my to do list; it is never given priority.  I’m weird in that if I feel like I HAVE to do something, I rebel and put off doing it.  God knows who I’m rebelling against.  I was the same at school and university, if I had an assignment to submit, it was always left until the last minute.  I don’t understand why I felt / still feel the need to do this as the only person it ever affects it me.  The pressure I feel when I know I need to get something done is immense but still, I procrastinate until the very last minute.  Take today for instance; my day off and I have a to do list, most of which is pretty boring, yet I proritise washing, cooking and work work (there was also a little TV watching) over my writing.  I need to look into changing my habits me thinks.

Anyway, enough of that.  So the last few weeks I’ve been good, great actually.  Well, great, apart from the sickness bug that confined me to my bed for 2 days last week and the fact that my dog kept me awake ALL night last night.  I had a rough week or so a few weeks back where I felt anxious to the point that it was making me feel ill.  It was one of the worst periods of anxiety I’ve ever had: I felt teary, flat, tired, my whole body felt like it was vibrating; my thoughts were turning dark in that I thought something was medically wrong with me and I started to think that something was going to happen to somebody I loved (something I haven’t really experienced since I had my little girl).  After a great sessions with my Dad, I realised that I had to let go of all of the angst and just have faith.  I talk about how I believe in God / the Universe and it’s divine plan for me (for everyone) but then I second guess it at every turn.  I made a conscious decision that I was done with worrying and that going forward I was committed to having 100% faith in God’s / the Universe’s plan for me.  I’m not saying that this will to be easy or that I’ll never worry again (like if somebody I loved was hurt tomorrow, I’m sure I’d ask God what the fuck he is playing at); but I’m going to try my best to just go with the flow and trust that everything is going to be OK.  I know that everything is going to be OK, I feel it within me and I’ve seen the Universe do it’s thing too many times to doubt it; but as soon as I’m thrown a curve ball, I ask “are you sure you know what you’re doing?”  Every time; I’m that fickle.  So I’m just going to try to stop doing it, simple. A line from the Fantastic Beasts film I watched last week really resonated with me; I think it was Newt who said, “if you worry, you suffer twice.”  I love that and it’s something I’m going to try to remember going forward.

I’m wondering if the sickness bug was my body’s way of getting rid of the remnants of the negativity that my body was carrying?  I like to think so; it did come off the back of my week of woe.  It stayed with me for much of the weekend but I’ve woken up today feeling much better today.  I’ve exercised, I’ve eaten well, I’ve tackled my to do list (including doing some writing, yay) and I’m feeling strong in my faith.  Let’s hope this lasts; I mean, let’s face it, I can be exceptionally fickle.

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