This weekend I have gossiped, I have judged, I have read the ‘scary’ news and I have eaten my weight in crap food; honestly, sometimes I just despair of myself. I feel like for the most part, I do ‘the work.’ I am self aware, I work on myself, I know that the only thing that I can change is me and I know that everybody around me is a mirror and what I don’t like in other people, is what I need to work on in myself. I know that everybody is on their own journey and that I can’t know what other people need (I’m still not 100% sold on this one, I feel like I know a lot about what other people need). I know this stuff…but sometimes it is just so hard to live it ALL THE TIME.
I realise that I am being hard on myself here (I’m good at that)? OK so this weekend I did do all of those things, but it wasn’t all bad. Yes I did gossip and judge a little but I also had a really positive conversation with my mentor / guardian angel Margaret where I owned all of it; I did have a mad hour on Saturday AND Sunday where I ate all of the ‘forbidden’ foods but for the rest of the weekend, I ate lots of healthy food and I exercised. Yes I read the shite news online but I also read a fantastic book which really inspired me. As well as this, I spent quality time with Grace. Not only did I take her to a kids party…. at a soft play centre….. on a Saturday afternoon (for which I deserve a medal) but on the coldest, windiest snowiest day of the year I took her ice skating; yes ice skating…I mean come on, I’m practically a saint. Oh, and I made her breakfast in bed and we sat and watched a movie at 8am on Saturday morning while her Dad watched on, horrified (he’s like a Victorian father, he likes her up and dressed by 8am and he detests people eating in bed).
So actually, when I look at it like this, I didn’t do half bad. In fact, I’d say I was 80% ace. Interestingly, the thing that bothered me the most out of all of this was the eating part. I am still struggling with wanting to chang the way I look even though I am trying to pull away from worrying about aesthetics. It’s like I’m on a cycle; eat well for a few days, eat everything in sight, feel terrible, start again. I literally look the same as I did 10 years ago so something is obviously not working (or is working because I know that I don’t look too bad). As much as I hate to admit it, I am like every other dieter who every Monday ‘starts again.’ I hate that, I hate feeling like I am falling into the same diet traps at everybody else. I feel like I know better than that.
My plan, still is to eat everything in moderation, restricting nothing, but it makes me anxious. I’ll admit, I like being part of this new way of eating, super-food this and gluten, dairy….everything free that. But I’m aware that I’m trading one faddy way of eating for another. That it’s all about ego and feeling like I know / am eating better than other people. But seriously, who care about the way I eat other than me? Literally nobody. As I type this I realise just how ridiculous it is. And also, it’s obviously not working for me because I can’t sustain it and I live in a constant state of guilt because I’ve eaten something I shouldn’t have according to my own ridiculous rules.
I know this stuff. I know where I am going wrong and I know that I am heading on the right path by figuring out what works for me. When I am eating in the way that suits MY body, I will know it because it will be easier to sustain, I will find my natural weight and I will feel great. It’s that simple. But it’s also so hard because I am trying to unlearn all of the bad habits that I have taught myself over the years. I’ll get there. Every time I veer off course I need to drop the guilt (because again, who cares), bring myself back to centre and keep plodding along. I’m sure that this stuff will come easy one day….please God.