Enough is enough

I am so tired!  I have been for a couple of weeks now.  The egoistic part of me if looking for outward things to blame for this tiredness, encouraging me to worry; is it my thyroid?  Am I lacking in iron?  Is the training too much?  Even worse, could I have cancer?  This is me, this is what I do.  I am constantly on the look out for something, searching for answers to problems that aren’t really there.

I’m tired because I’ve had a tough couple of weeks and because I’ve fallen off balance.  Last week I slept terribly because of one thing and another and I know that one night of bad sleep affects me terribly so a week of it is bound to have an even bigger effect, right?  I also had a really busy week as it was half term and Grace was off school.  I worked for the first two days of the week (going to work is easier, let me tell you) and then had three days off to spend with her, during which I didn’t stop.  Wednesday I had a house full of kids and dogs and adults which was chaos (I love it but still it takes it toll).  Wednesday night I spent with my nephew and niece which is great but I don’t sleep particularly well at other people’s houses; I then had them until late on Friday evening.  I love having them, they are great company for Grace and they are old enough to look after themselves; however,  I didn’t thank them for waking me up before 7am on the only day last week I could lay in.  Not that it mattered because I’d been awake since before 5am anyway.  So Thursday and Friday were spent trampolining and tree climbing and dog walking as well as cramming in a bit of a spring clean (like I didn’t have enough on my plate).

I also did a couple of heavy training sessions (after which I ached so much I felt like crying) AND an hour long run after not running for a month (and months before that).  I’ve also had a lot on my mind with regards to a little disagreement I had with my husband (long story involving morals and he eventually came around) which led to me questioning areas where I could tighten my own game, something disagreeable revealing itself to me and having to make a decision which came with some guilt.  Queue another sleepless night.

My phone / news / Instagram addiction doesn’t seem to be abating and I am well aware how draining it is, not only staring at my phone for hours of each day, but digesting all of the shit news that I can’t stop myself from reading.  I then had a terrible week with regards to my diet.  I know it was just because it was half term and I was out of routine (and my mum kept baking with Grace) but honestly, it feels like I take two steps forward and then three back.  When will this stuff get easier?

I then got caught at the weekend, involving myself a little too much in somebody elses drama.  I don’t mean to be flippant, I know that what I am calling drama, is their real life and I don’t doubt that they are hurting; however, instead of being there to listen, I crossed the line into interference and said a little too much.  I’m not going to beat myself up because I have come a long way in this area; I don’t involve myself in other people’s business anymore, I don’t offer advice without being asked and generally I have given up trying to fix people / problems, but I was off balance and got involved more than I would have liked.

Yes it’s easy for me to look for external triggers as to why I’m feeling so shitty but actually, I am well aware that the problem lies within me.  If I’m eating and reading junk and staring at a screen for hours at a time, I am going to sleep badly and feel irritable and tired and fall back into old habits.  The hardest thing is that I know this stuff and it’s getting really old now; really boring.  I read a quote the other day which rang true, “In order to change, you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

I know that I’m procrastinating.  I know that my ego is throwing the drama and the junk food and the shitty news at me to distract me from what I should be doing.  I have a writing idea that I am keen to (but also scared stiff to) start and I know that I have areas that I need to look at in my own life. I am also aware that my ego thinks that it is protecting me with this distraction.  I guess that being able to see this is a good start?  Now comes the hard part; I need to ignore all of the juicy tempting stuff that is put in front of me and move forward into my uncomfortable real life.  Because, honestly, I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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