I’ve had a wonderful couple of weeks; I don’t want to jinx myself but everything seems to be falling into place nicely for me. I’m eating well most of the time, I’m training daily, I’m doing 3-4 yoga sessions each week, meditating twice a day, sleeping well and feeling pretty damn positive about my life.
I have realised that I have spent the last year or so, without planning to, really trying to figure out what works for me. I’ve said before that I am easily swayed (fickle!) and I am constantly looking for the next quick fix and whilst I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a change of routine every few months (I think exercise wise your body benefits from it and as somebody who gets bored very easily, it works for me) I realised that, more often than not, I try new things because somebody else is doing it and I think that they must know better then me. Now I’ve come to the conclusion (finally) that what works for somebody else is not necessarily going to work for me (and who cares what anybody else thinks about what I am doing?).
I swear, I plan to write on here so much more regularly than I do. I write in my head all the time, but more often than not I don’t prioritise the time to put it onto actual paper (or the computer…whatever). I think I need to look in to why, when I want to write for a living, it is the one thing that always goes to the back of my to do list; it is never given priority. I’m weird in that if I feel like I HAVE to do something, I rebel and put off doing it. God knows who I’m rebelling against. I was the same at school and university, if I had an assignment to submit, it was always left until the last minute. I don’t understand why I felt / still feel the need to do this as the only person it ever affects it me. The pressure I feel when I know I need to get something done is immense but still, I procrastinate until the very last minute. Take today for instance; my day off and I have a to do list, most of which is pretty boring, yet I proritise washing, cooking and work work (there was also a little TV watching) over my writing. I need to look into changing my habits me thinks.
I am so tired! I have been for a couple of weeks now. The egoistic part of me if looking for outward things to blame for this tiredness, encouraging me to worry; is it my thyroid? Am I lacking in iron? Is the training too much? Even worse, could I have cancer? This is me, this is what I do. I am constantly on the look out for something, searching for answers to problems that aren’t really there.
I’m tired because I’ve had a tough couple of weeks and because I’ve fallen off balance. Last week I slept terribly because of one thing and another and I know that one night of bad sleep affects me terribly so a week of it is bound to have an even bigger effect, right? I also had a really busy week as it was half term and Grace was off school. I worked for the first two days of the week (going to work is easier, let me tell you) and then had three days off to spend with her, during which I didn’t stop. Wednesday I had a house full of kids and dogs and adults which was chaos (I love it but still it takes it toll). Wednesday night I spent with my nephew and niece which is great but I don’t sleep particularly well at other people’s houses; I then had them until late on Friday evening. I love having them, they are great company for Grace and they are old enough to look after themselves; however, I didn’t thank them for waking me up before 7am on the only day last week I could lay in. Not that it mattered because I’d been awake since before 5am anyway. So Thursday and Friday were spent trampolining and tree climbing and dog walking as well as cramming in a bit of a spring clean (like I didn’t have enough on my plate).
This weekend I have gossiped, I have judged, I have read the ‘scary’ news and I have eaten my weight in crap food; honestly, sometimes I just despair of myself. I feel like for the most part, I do ‘the work.’ I am self aware, I work on myself, I know that the only thing that I can change is me and I know that everybody around me is a mirror and what I don’t like in other people, is what I need to work on in myself. I know that everybody is on their own journey and that I can’t know what other people need (I’m still not 100% sold on this one, I feel like I know a lot about what other people need). I know this stuff…but sometimes it is just so hard to live it ALL THE TIME.
I realise that I am being hard on myself here (I’m good at that)? OK so this weekend I did do all of those things, but it wasn’t all bad. Yes I did gossip and judge a little but I also had a really positive conversation with my mentor / guardian angel Margaret where I owned all of it; I did have a mad hour on Saturday AND Sunday where I ate all of the ‘forbidden’ foods but for the rest of the weekend, I ate lots of healthy food and I exercised. Yes I read the shite news online but I also read a fantastic book which really inspired me. As well as this, I spent quality time with Grace. Not only did I take her to a kids party…. at a soft play centre….. on a Saturday afternoon (for which I deserve a medal) but on the coldest, windiest snowiest day of the year I took her ice skating; yes ice skating…I mean come on, I’m practically a saint. Oh, and I made her breakfast in bed and we sat and watched a movie at 8am on Saturday morning while her Dad watched on, horrified (he’s like a Victorian father, he likes her up and dressed by 8am and he detests people eating in bed).