I’ve had a bit of a down week this week. I’ve pretty much just wanted to curl up in my scruffs and not leave the house. But with a 4 year old who needs to get to school every day, a job I have to turn up to and family members who require my presence, staying put hasn’t been an option.
I’m not sure why I’ve not been feeling myself; I think its a combination of things. The first was the sudden death of a young man last week who left his 24 year old wife of 9 months a widow. Although I only knew of him through friends, his death made me realise how quickly life can change. It sent me into a mini mid-life crisis where I started questioning the direction that my life has taken. I’d had a night out that weekend where as usual, everyone around me got drunk and loud and I just got uncomfortable. I felt like such a bore and after a certain point I really didn’t enjoy myself. It got me thinking about how much of my life I spend doing things I don’t really want to do, sometimes with people I don’t want to do it with. I feel like I’ve got no control over my life and I’ve ended up in a place that sometimes I don’t like.
I have had to drag myself into work, cursing the fact that I’m still doing a job that I know is not my dream even though I’m heading toward 40. In my lighter moments, I know how lucky I am to have a job at all, let alone one that is so flexible and fits in so well with my family commitments. Plus the work is interesting and I like my colleagues. This week though, none of this meant anything.
Then there’s the people in my life who I worry about. The ones I can see who need help, who I desperately want to fix even though I know nothing I can do could help. Hearing the sad news of the murder of a young girl on the news, which somehow got though to me even though I’ve banned myself from reading the news because it’s all just too sad.
I’ve had a sadness about me all week, which in a way I’ve enjoyed wallowing in.
On the other side of the coin, my diet has been great, I’ve managed to get up at 6am every day to train before the rest of my day begins, which I haven’t managed to do since the summer, and I’ve felt great physically. In my sad vulnerability, I’ve felt closer to my husband and I’ve wanted to cuddle my little girl close constantly, not being able to believe my luck that I have a daughter who is so perfect. With all of these positives, it’s difficult to understand why I have felt so sad – depressed almost. I have an amazing life; I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about other than the possibility that one day something might go wrong. And lets face it that threat is not going to go away just because I spend my life worrying about it. It’s that time of the month, that certainly hasn’t helped. I’m hoping that next week I’ll be feeling more positive.